Saturday, June 28, 2014

Mixed feelings are confusing :/

Remember a while ago where I posted about all of my doubts and worries about doing a long distance thing with David? Well, I also said that I should worry and overthink about all of that stuff when it's actually closer to the time when he comes back.

He's coming back next week and I'm worrying about something completely different than last time. O__O

I guess I should also say that I worried about losing interesting/touch with him and vice versa was unnecessary since our daily emails has definitely proved our continued interest with each other, lol. I mean, I've always had trouble maintaining contact with people after they've moved away and stuff, so the fact that we've been still in contact with each other for this long is a feat in itself for me.

However, what I'm currently worried about is the fact that he's coming back next week, and I'm having mixed feelings about it. It's really weird. Three weeks ago, I was ready for him to come back already because I was tired of emailing him and just wanted to hangout with him, but now, I'm kind of excited to see him and kind of dreading to see him?

I don't know man. A lot of my friends have been asking me if I'm excited to see him since they know that he's coming back soon, but I keep on avoiding answering them or just say yeah since it's the answer they're all expecting. And I haven't really given much thought on how to react to him coming home so soon except for when people ask me about it. And now, lol.

I guess I'm kind of dreading seeing him because I've grown used to just communicating with him electronically; I mean, we have been basically online dating for the past month. I don't think I'm ready to see him in person again and look him in the eyes after all of the stuff that we've talked about in our emails, all of the jokes and confessions and honesty that we've told each other since it's easier to admit these things when you're not looking at someone face-to-face.

It's just gonna be weird, that transition from talking to each other once a day to finally being able to hangout face-to-face again and texting each other whenever we want to.

When I think about it more, I guess it's because I haven't really given myself the time to prepare for what's going to happen afterwards, because I think it's pretty obvious that we're gonna end up together, and that's new and exciting, but holy shit. I am so afraid of being in a relationship and fucking things up and getting my heart broken and caring too much and caring not enough and worrying about stupid shit that shouldn't matter but does and--

This is new territory for me, okay. I don't have a clue what I'm doing. I never think about the future much, but since we've been dating, I've already included him in so many of my future plans that it worries me. I'm only talking about the upcoming months, not the next few years, though, but to have included him at all means that I've pretty much decided on keeping him, right?

Anyway, I think this post has helped me figure out my mixed feelings about his homecoming, so I think I'll go do something productive now, like studying for my Macro test. D:

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