Friday, August 29, 2008

Labor day holiday!

Friday, August 29, 2008
Labor day holiday!

Still no interweb. Still haven’t gone back to the old house since the last entry. I MIGHT be able to go back tomorrow, maybe. I really need to get the rest of my stuff from shelle’s room. And I really need to go on the internet. And I should be working on my tech theater project since it’s due on Tuesday and I should have been working on it earlier since it’s been assigned for 2 weeks. Not like I can help it tho; I never got all of the stuff that I needed.

Anyways, today was pretty cool. In tech theater, we finally got to go up on the catwalk in the auditorium. It’s the small place up in the auditorium where you go to fix the lights. It’s really high in the air. It was awesome. And since mrs. Jardin only let 4 of us up at a time, we got to do whatever we wanted down on the stage while we waited. We played taxi for a while. It was really hilarious.

And in math, mrs. Kirk accidently gave the other classes the wrong papers so she didn’t have any for us and she didn’t want us to be ahead of the other classes so we didn’t have to do work! I went to the office to get my bus schedule, and when I got back, all of the girls in my group were in the corner acting crazy with their ipod and phones out. The teacher wasn’t there so that was the reason why everything was out. All in all, we acted stupid, laughed a lot, and had a good time.

I feel so DBSK deprived. I’m so used to watching youtube stuff about them everyday. Although I’m listening to their music 24/7, it’s still not the same since I don’t get to see their faces and awesome clothes and hair. I should of downloaded as much music videos of them when I had the chance. But then my ipod would run out of space… I would of figured something out in the end.

I’m going over to vinh’s house tomorrow to use the internet for my projects, maybe I’ll sneak a few vids of them while I’m at it. :P I haven’t seen vinh in ages. Well, I think I saw him one day at school… I don’t think he recognizes me. I told shelle about it. She laughed. But yeah, I haven’t TALKED to him in ages so that’s gonna be weird.

And shelle’s coming over tomorrow since no one’s gonna be home at the old house since christina’s goin to ATL with her family and mommy doesn’t want her to be home alone all weekend. She said that she doesn’t want to go to vinh’s house. She has interweb, she doesn’t care like I do.

I really need a phone! And interweb! And a cheap way to write to haley so I don’t have to waste it on stamps! I never told you, did i? about how me and haley are writing to each other letters like in the year of secret assignments? Well yeah, we’ve been doin that just recently, and we used shelle to give each other our letters. But now, I cant give it to shelle until the weekend or maybe even later than that since I live here now. And I don’t want us to mail it to each other since it’s gonna cost us money for stamps (I’m not that worried about it but haley’s pretty poor and will prolly hafta pay for them herself), and I don’t like having to wait for at least 3 days to get a letter and the other way around. But that might be the only way.

Well, we’ll just hafta find a way soon.

First day at the new house

Wednesday, August 27, 2008
First day at the new house

There’s no internet so I’ll just have to post this when we do get it, or when we go back to the old house tomorrow (if anyone remembers to bring you, too).

But yes, this is the first day that we’re (me, mommy and brian) staying the night at the new house.

It just so happens that I have no homework or tests to study for tomorrow unlike yesterday and the day before, where I had so much stuff to do for school. So now I’m bored. I knew that sooner or later, we’d be staying the night here most-likely without internet, so I downloaded a whole bunch of manga to read, but I don’t want to read it right now. And I already said that there’s no internet, and I don’t want to draw or write or do anything.

I cried a little bit earlier. They still haven’t moved our beds yet since it’s been raining constantly all week and weekend long (cuz of hurricane may or fay whatever it’s name is) so all I have in my room is a blanket to lay on, my school stuff, and some of the stuff that I packed.

So anyways, I was lying on my back a little bit away from my laptop listening to DBSK and not really thinking of anything. And then all of a sudden, the thought why aren’t I crying already? popped in my head, and I was coming up with reasons why I should be in my head. Like, michelle’s not here and I need her, and is this how it was supposed to be like when she moved away to college next year?

When those thoughts came to me, the feeling that you get before you feel your tears coming, came up and I willed the feeling away. It worked but then love in the ice came on and when I started singing to the beginning, my voice slowly started cracking up and then a tear came out. A second later, another one fell. I grabbed the edge of the blanket to smother my sobs and wipe off the tears. It didn’t last long, tho. I’m kinda proud of that, but now that I’m thinking about it, is it cuz I’m finally growing accustomed to this feeling? To being alone? Because very soon, we’ll be officially living here.

When I was taking a shower, I was thinking and I realized something. In all of those books where the main character is always alone for some reason or another, they ALWAYS have at least one person who understands them and is always there for them some way or another and that no book that I’ve read has the main character completely alone. I know that I have shelle, but it’s not the same. The main character’s friends are always there with them whether at school or any where else. And they’re usually in the same grade or school. Shelle is neither. And I cant really consider haley accountable either since I’ve never told her about how my life at school really is. I don’t want to tell the gang about how it is for me cuz I don’t want them to pity me or cry or anything.

Last week, I had this thought. I’m really jealous of Kelly and Lindsey. Even though they move around a lot, they will never be alone at school since they’re twins. I dunno how high school is for them though (if they’re in the same classes and stuff) since high school mixes everyone’s schedules, but I’m pretty sure that they have at least 2 classes with each other.

Today was the first meeting of the anime manga club. It was after school and it was pretty cool. A little overwhelming, but very cool and funny. Corey, when he was still in tech theater with me, he told me that he was trying to make an anime manga club, and I guess he finally did it. But it turns out that he wasn’t the president, though. He’s I think the vice president. The president is this girl who I’ve forgot her name but I do know her code name (everyone got to introduce themselves and then give a code name from a manga or anything that we could call them instead) is misa from deathnote. She even dressed like her, too, which was very cool. So yeah, there were A LOT of people there, which really surprised me even though it shouldn’t since this school is really big so there’s bound to be a lot of people who like manga and anime. But they were all pretty cool and funny. And michael, this guy from my science class showed me that the school’s library has a couple of how to draw manga/anime books. I cant wait to go to the library tomorrow! And I also found out that you could check out 2 books, too. XD

Now, I’m gonna go and daydream.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

it's one of those emotionless times for me

our house is supposed to be finished being built on wednesday. but we're not gonna move any of the new furniture that they bought until the weekend, i think. but mommy was saying that we'll be able to stay the night on wed and stuff so that i should be getting ready with packing everything else that i havent packed yet.

before i tell you the reason for my title, let me tell you what happened before any of that came up. on the 2nd week of school, after school on monday, i started feeling extremely overwhelmed and sad. i think that was when it finally hit me that i'd never get to hang out with my friends from TC any more, and that i hadnt made any real friends at HOCO. not to mention, my classes were hard (honor classes) and they were teaching us stuff that i never learned last year. and i had homework that we never went over in class or just alot more than i could handle. i dont know, i guess everything from the first week of school was all bottled up and the bottle was finally starting to tip over. there were a few times that night, when i even thought of school or anything related to it, my eyes would start to water. thankfully, that didnt happen in public, it only happened when i was at home, and only once did the tears fall. i really didnt want to talk about it to shelle, but at the same time, i wanted to. but i dont think that i was ready to tell her since i wasnt ready to admit everything to myself until that day.

but the next day after school, i started askin shelle how was school like when she first moved to TC and in the end, i ended up tellin her everything. i had a total meltdown; i couldnt stop crying and sobbing. she gave me some advice and i tried to stop crying. but every time either me or her ever mentioned school, tears would start coming back into my eyes. i dont think that i'm the type of person who should bottle everything up cuz i'm so used to saying everything i'm thinking at the moment, and i dont want to have a giant meltdown again. but i think that crying it all out helped me. and i think that that was the most i've ever cried in a long time.

some of the advice she gave me was that i shouldnt worry about friends right now, that i should be focusing on my classes. but i cant help it, i need friends to explain to me how to do the classwork since i've never learned it before and the teacher just breezes through it. but i understand what she's talkin about. i guess it was cuz i used to think that i'd be fine as a loner but it turns out that i was way wrong. it's partially cuz i was always surrounded by my friends and i think it was cuz that it's just in our family or blood to have lots of friends. so yeah, i'm not gonna worry about the friends thing anymore. at least to try not to. but i have no idea what to do otherwise than to be an idiot and ask everyone around me how to do whatever the work is.

surprisingly, this (or i guess you could say last) week was better. no meltdowns or even a little bit of crying. but i'm trying not to get my hopes up. i've started daydreaming again, so at least that'll keep me busy. so yeah....

back to the reason of the title. i dont know why, but i'm just not feeling anything right now. i know that i should be really sad about this since i'm goin to be leaving michelle for real this week, but i'm not. i'm just... emtionless. the other day, when she and christina went to the mall to take their senior pictures, when i knew that i should of been at least sad and stuff, i felt nothing except the need to do something to distract me. something, anything to keep me from thinking and when i stopped to try to figure out why, i couldnt come up with anything. so i got on youtube and watched a whole lot of videos of DBSK.

they're this awesome korean band that's loved in almost all of the asian countries. they know korean, japanese, and some english. i can sing, dance, act, and they're really funny. and all of the members are hot in their own way. you can see why they have so many fans. my favorite out of all of them is hero jaejoong (i love his hair styles!!! >w<) and then max changmin, he's so cute! they're songs are really good, and so are they're music videos. and when they're on talk shows and stuff, they're hilarious! XD

so yeah, they're my newest obsession. that and korean dramas and music, which they're both in! XP

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

first week of new school

i was gonna tell you earlier but the computer was being hogged all week or something else was blocking me from telling you.

so i'll tell you from the beginning. on monday (first day of skool, duh. apparently, this year, they didnt let us have the first day of skool on Aug. 1st which was a friday, like usual), it was kinda depressing since in all of my classes (honors in everything), the only thing that the teachers did was explain to us everything on their sylubus. and so i didnt get to talk to anybody in class so i couldnt exactly make any friends. that is, until lunch when i made friends with moheenee (dunno how it's spelled). she's indian and she's new, too. i knew that we wouldnt be the best of friends since what we mostly did was small talk but it was nice to not have to spend lunch alone. but that was the prolly the only time i'll ever eat lunch with her for the whole year since at that lunch period, it was 3rd period lunch, and for the rest of the year, i'd be eating lunch at 4th period, the last of the day. anyways, that was the only friend that i made that day.

oh yeah, i guess i'll tell you my schedule.
1st american government/civics
2nd literature
3rd tech theater
4th health (4th period lunch afterwards)
5th accelerated math
6th biology
and connections (homeroom once or twice a month)

so onto tuesday, that was the best day of skool so far. on monday after school, we went to books a million cuz shelle wanted me to pick up breaking dawn for her (still havent read it yet!) and i ended up stayin there for a while cuz daddy had to go to home depot to pick something up. and so i sat in one of the chairs and started reading and then this guy and his younger sister and brother and then dad, came and sat at the other chairs. i had to leave a few minutes later, but on tuesday, i found out that the guy at BAM was in my first period class. and in my first 3 classes, we did these different games to get to know everyone in the class. it was really fun and this girl in my first period class, nicole, likes manga and anime, too. the rest of the periods were okay.

today, wasnt that great. i'm stupid in social studies and my partner prolly is wondering why i'm in the honors class for it, too. i think tech theater is starting to be my favorite class. prolly cuz it's not really an academic class and cuz the teacher is pretty cool. but i really dont like not having any real friends there. in any of my classes. i miss my idiot friends at taylor county. at least everyone in my homeroom knew how i was so i could be myself and i'd KNOW people. unlike here where its so big and in every class, i have totally different people and hardly any of the same people from the same classes that i've had. i really doubt that i'm gonna make any real friends here. i really thought that i'd be okay as a loner but i'm not. i feel isolated when we get to talk to our friends when we have free time in class. i feel self-conscious when i'm alone and have nothing to do, and i dont like it. i'm starting to worry about what collage is gonna be like.

man, i feel like how i did after the first day of school. slightly depressed and deeply disappointed. maybe it's cuz i thought that since yesterday was pretty good, that today would be too, but it wasnt. i dunno, but i think i'm startin to get why people hate high school.

ARGH!!! i wish that i was still in middle school!! i wish that i could stay younger forever! i dunno if i told you this before, but, i always told myself when i was younger and still in middle school, that i didnt have to think of what i wanted to be in the future. cuz i always knew that i'd prolly change it. so i told myself, that i'd think about it when i'm a senior or junior, cuz that's when it really matters. i never thought that high school would be like this. i didnt think that i'd be moving and goin to a whole new high school. i was just opening up at taylor county, and now, i'm closed up all over again.

i'm gonna go, i'm drained.