Sunday, August 17, 2008

it's one of those emotionless times for me

our house is supposed to be finished being built on wednesday. but we're not gonna move any of the new furniture that they bought until the weekend, i think. but mommy was saying that we'll be able to stay the night on wed and stuff so that i should be getting ready with packing everything else that i havent packed yet.

before i tell you the reason for my title, let me tell you what happened before any of that came up. on the 2nd week of school, after school on monday, i started feeling extremely overwhelmed and sad. i think that was when it finally hit me that i'd never get to hang out with my friends from TC any more, and that i hadnt made any real friends at HOCO. not to mention, my classes were hard (honor classes) and they were teaching us stuff that i never learned last year. and i had homework that we never went over in class or just alot more than i could handle. i dont know, i guess everything from the first week of school was all bottled up and the bottle was finally starting to tip over. there were a few times that night, when i even thought of school or anything related to it, my eyes would start to water. thankfully, that didnt happen in public, it only happened when i was at home, and only once did the tears fall. i really didnt want to talk about it to shelle, but at the same time, i wanted to. but i dont think that i was ready to tell her since i wasnt ready to admit everything to myself until that day.

but the next day after school, i started askin shelle how was school like when she first moved to TC and in the end, i ended up tellin her everything. i had a total meltdown; i couldnt stop crying and sobbing. she gave me some advice and i tried to stop crying. but every time either me or her ever mentioned school, tears would start coming back into my eyes. i dont think that i'm the type of person who should bottle everything up cuz i'm so used to saying everything i'm thinking at the moment, and i dont want to have a giant meltdown again. but i think that crying it all out helped me. and i think that that was the most i've ever cried in a long time.

some of the advice she gave me was that i shouldnt worry about friends right now, that i should be focusing on my classes. but i cant help it, i need friends to explain to me how to do the classwork since i've never learned it before and the teacher just breezes through it. but i understand what she's talkin about. i guess it was cuz i used to think that i'd be fine as a loner but it turns out that i was way wrong. it's partially cuz i was always surrounded by my friends and i think it was cuz that it's just in our family or blood to have lots of friends. so yeah, i'm not gonna worry about the friends thing anymore. at least to try not to. but i have no idea what to do otherwise than to be an idiot and ask everyone around me how to do whatever the work is.

surprisingly, this (or i guess you could say last) week was better. no meltdowns or even a little bit of crying. but i'm trying not to get my hopes up. i've started daydreaming again, so at least that'll keep me busy. so yeah....

back to the reason of the title. i dont know why, but i'm just not feeling anything right now. i know that i should be really sad about this since i'm goin to be leaving michelle for real this week, but i'm not. i'm just... emtionless. the other day, when she and christina went to the mall to take their senior pictures, when i knew that i should of been at least sad and stuff, i felt nothing except the need to do something to distract me. something, anything to keep me from thinking and when i stopped to try to figure out why, i couldnt come up with anything. so i got on youtube and watched a whole lot of videos of DBSK.

they're this awesome korean band that's loved in almost all of the asian countries. they know korean, japanese, and some english. i can sing, dance, act, and they're really funny. and all of the members are hot in their own way. you can see why they have so many fans. my favorite out of all of them is hero jaejoong (i love his hair styles!!! >w<) and then max changmin, he's so cute! they're songs are really good, and so are they're music videos. and when they're on talk shows and stuff, they're hilarious! XD

so yeah, they're my newest obsession. that and korean dramas and music, which they're both in! XP

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