Tuesday, September 23, 2008

my lastest revelation and other stuffs

so, two weeks ago, i finally started learning how to play the guitar. it was on sunday. we went to books a million and i bought guitar for dummies and then we went over to christina's house to stay there until mommy was finished working at daddy's place. turns out, that we'll be goin over there almost every sunday. but ya, mommy said that i could bring haley over and i told her to bring her guitar with her so that we could learn from my book together. but mr. sir was there and he knows how to play guitar proffessionally (he tuned mine and haley's guitar), so he offered to teach us. it was hard at first to get my fingers to push down on the strings hard enough, but i'm getting used to it. so ya, we're gonna learn how to play the guitar with him every sunday when we can.

i finally got my new laptop yesterday. mommy realized that i was going to need a laptop ALOT for school and stuff and she needed to get on it too for callin ppl and stuff, and that we couldnt exactly share my old laptop, so she said that i could get myself a new one. it's exactly the same as shelle's laptop but it's a newer version so it has some other stuff to it and the front of my laptop has a different cover. it's white-ish blue-ish with clouds or waves. i'll take a pic of it when i get the camera.

i'm still not used to having the numbers on the right side of the keyboard like my old laptop and i have to download all of my songs and everything onto itunes again and that is nearly impossible. hopefully, i'll be able to get all of the songs that i downloaded on limewire on my old laptop and put it on here. shelle explained it to me once, but i forgot. so if i cant, she can do it on the weekend.

i REALLY dont like transferring all of my stuff from my old laptop to the new one. it's like moving all over again. only easier (minus the itunes thing). i'm not done transferring everything yet, though. it's gonna take some time.

the anime con was last weekend. i couldnt believe it. i thought that we'd still have some time before it took place even though i already told haley and krista that goin this year was pretty much impossible. but still, it was like a slap to the face when shelle told me that it was happening right then.

the anime manga club watched ghost in the shell the laughing man (movie) this monday after skool. i only got to watch the first 30 minutes cuz i didnt know that we'd be watching anime so soon and they didnt give us any warnings, so i had told mommy to pick me up at 3:30 like usual. but yeah, they said that they'd give us a weeks warning next time that we did this.

about DBSK, i'm falling in love with junsu cuz of his super CUTE smile and adorably unique laugh. but jaejoong's still my favorite. it just seems that changmin is being replaced as third cuz it feels like junsu's my second favorite now. but i'm likin micky, too. he's funny (changmin, too) and when he laughs at something really funny, he practically dies from it and changmin, too. so i guess those 2 are tied for 3rd. but i like yuhno the least. he's always so serious. prolly cuz he's the leader and he has the responsibility, though. but i DO like him; just not as much as i like the others. :P

junsu and the little version of junsu are so CUTE!! >w<

jaejoongie looking awesome XD

and their new album is coming out on the 24th of this month! cant wait to hear it! their album's called mirotic. i forgot what it means... oh yeah! miro in korean means spell and tic was just an english word/ending that they added in the end because the album's music really does keep you in a spell. you cant stop listening to it. jaejoong was the one who came up with the name. :D

i think it's time to stop being a fangirl now. on to the next subject!

oh. this next one isnt very ...good news. here goes.

okay, there's this dood named michael in my science class. he's really smart in science (dont know about the rest of the subjects, this is my only class i have with him) and in the beginning of the year, he'd ask ridiculous questions about what we were learning, trying to be funny. a couple of weeks ago, we had to do this earthworm experiment in groups with at least one partner. i chose him cuz we kinda talked at the anime manga club at the first meeting. and a couple of days after that, we got to sit in any seat that we wanted and he sat with me (the seats are arranged so that 2 seats sit side by side right next to each other).

then, we started passing notes to each other (we sit right next to each other so all we had to do was slide the paper a little to the left or right) and he told me that his girlfriend cheated on him. and that she only went out with him out of pity. that the one person that he trusted, stabbed him in the back and twisted in. and he went out with her for 3 years. but that makes me think that she couldnt have gone out with him for 3 years all out of pity. but i still havent told him that yet; i keep forgetting.

and i asked him if he had any friends so that they could help him and stuff. but he said that he didnt have any at skool and all the rest were all over the world. and that he couldnt trust them or anyone for the matter. except for me. he said that i was his best friend at school a couple of days after that. but yeah, i told him that he should tell his friends about it cuz talkin to friends always help since he was in pain about the whole girlfriend thing, but he said that it wouldnt help and that he couldnt trust them.

and some time last week (i think), he got into an argument with this girl who was sitting behind us and when we started watching a video, he started running his pencil up and down his arm really hard. i started writing him a note while trying to be inconspicuous and asked him if he was really gonna go emo (some time ago, he said that he could go emo and i told him that i doubted it) for real. he said that he was getting there. and i asked him why. he said that he couldnt take it anymore. and then he asked if he should do a slow painful death or a short and painless one. and i asked him if he had anyone or anything that would hold him back from killing himself and he said no. he thought that he had his girlfriend, but now, no.

by now, i looked around the room and noticed that some people were sleeping and that the teacher saw it all and didnt care. so i gave up on trying to look like i was paying attention to the movie. i told him that he better come to skool on monday because i did not want to know that one of my friends killed themself and i couldnt do anything to stop it. he said that he was sorry and then the bell rang so i couldnt ask him about what. that he was going to kill himself or that he was just apologizing that he was being over dramatic.

come monday and he was fine. he told me that he was gonna try to do a different thing. he was going to change. to stop asking annoying questions in class and stuff. i told him that even though he's gonna change, dont become fake and he said that he was getting rid of all of his emotions of love, happiness, stuff like that until all that's left was rage and depression.

the other day, he told me that he needed a hug. i told him that i wasnt gonna give him one. i said that i was sick and that i didnt want to get him sick, too. a couple of days later, he said that i needed a hug. i told him, no, i dont. i dont understand him at all. and he wanted me to give him a high-five a whole bunch, too. i gave him light high-fives the 1st 2 times but after that, i just told him no. he quit askin for those but today, he asked if i still wasnt gonna give him a hug. why does he want a hug so much?!

normally, if it were anybody else, i'd give them a hug. but hugging michael is just something i dont want to do. i think half of my reason for not hugging him is because he's known as a weirdo with a reputation for being weird and stuff and i dont want to cause any misunderstandings for ppl to think that we're going out, and for me to also be associated with him, making ppl think that i'm weird, too. kinda mean, but that's one reason why i dont want to hug him. but yeah, ask me to hug a stranger and i prolly will do that before i hug michael.

i forgot if we wrote any notes other than that until today. today, he told me that he still felt alone. i told him that i wished that i could help (big mistake on my part) and he said that i could. i had this foreshadowing dread that i knew i shouldnt of said that last sentence, but i couldnt exactly tell him that no, i changed my mind. so i asked him how and he asked me if i wanted to go to the ROTC (army thing) ball with him.

i immediately knew that i didnt want to go, but it'd be mean to just say no, so i asked him when it was to think of an excuse. he said that it'd be later on in the year so i asked him if he could just ask me later but he said that it's being catered so they need to know now. i told him that i dont know if i can go and that i didnt want to get his hopes up and then let 'em crash and burn. and then he said/wrote (all of this is on notes) that he was really asking for something else and i already knew what he was talkin about in my mind, but i was hoping that i was HOPEFULLY misunderstanding what he was implying so i asked him what he was talking about now.

he said that he was asking me something else by asking me to go to the ball with him. so i finally asked him what i thought i was wrong about: are you asking me out? he said that he was. and i was confused. i told him that we barely knew each other. and then i told him, "honestly, i'm gonna have to turn you down. i dont know you enough. why do you want to go out with me, though?" cuz like i said, we barely know each other. and he said that it's because i was there for him and that i'm the only one who understands.

i told him that i'm pretty sure that if he told his friends, they'd understand too. and then he writes that i always know what to say (i find that hard to believe, half of the stuff that i told him as advice didnt seem like it helped at all), that i'm smart (i am not really smart, though, all i do is study the day before tests. i'm only book smart), pretty (i am NOT pretty. i am average. already discussed this with lindsey's letter and myself about me both academically and physically), and fun (how would he know this? i have not said anything that would make him laugh. i barely say anything at all).

and i told him that i think that he's still on the rebound and he didnt know what that meant so i had to explain it to him. and then he said that i remind him of his ex a little bit.

what's up with that?! do i remind guy's of their exes even if it's only "a little bit"?! i mean, kyle told me that too! altho it was with a girl that he was in love with who turned him down. but later, he realized that he didnt really like me like that. so am i a rebound girl or something?

but yeah, the bell rang and that was that.

i really should of seen this coming. i think that i did, though, just in a corner of my mind, i knew that something like this would happen between us. i just didnt dwell on it cuz it seemed conceited to think that he was being overfriendly-ish with me cuz he might like me.

but yeah, for a couple of days now, i've been thinking about myself and how ungrateful i am. i am selfish, spoiled, self-centered, ungrateful, and a whole lot of other things. here i am, complaining about how i need to buy new manga and dont have the money for it, when there are people all over the world who dont have the money to buy food. i'm complaining bout how mommy used to always tell us to eat and stuff just so that she could get on the computer when really, she doesnt want us to starve. i forgot that she used to live in vietnam and that maybe when she grew up there, her family might not have alot of food to eat like we do. especially since she has a much larger family than we do.

and i'm spoiled. i got a guitar and a laptop (stuff that i never said that i wanted but am now glad that i do have) and all of these other stuff that i cant live without now. when i need something like clothes or books, i usually end up getting them, from my parents or with my own money (which i get FROM my parents), and when i dont get what i want, i usually end up with a few tears altho nobody sees them.

and i realized that i AM really self-centered. i think about myself and my problems and needs before i think about anyone else's and sometimes, even then, i dont really care cuz IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM. i only think about how somthing's gonna effect me and not really about anyone else until someone points it out.

i'm such a bad person. how can anyone like me. i dont deserve to have friends if this is how i really am. but i'm selfish enough to be glad that i do have some and i'm being honest about it, too. so that's a start, right?

i've been writing for almost an hour (i think.) i'm gonna go.


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