Saturday, February 27, 2016

Is our relationship worth it? :/

We've already passed the one and a half year anniversary mark by now, and we're finally out of the honeymoon phase and have started having actual arguments every once in a while. The problems are that I always accidentally hurt him, and he has poor time management and communication skills. 

Every fight that we have gets worse than the one before, and the last one had me questioning if it was better if we just broke up. It wasn't just a quick thought that passed through my mind; it stayed there and lingered for a day or two to the point that I was imagining how it would go down. The problem is that I don't even know if this is something worth breaking up over. 

What happened was that we were meeting up with a bunch of friends for dinner at Taj one night. We both hungout with different friends that day, so we were going to meet up with our friends at the restaurant. I get there at six, which was the agreed upon meeting time, and David sends me a text asking if he should be leaving now. I told him that he should be here already, since he was in Warner Robins, which is 30 minutes away. He eventually tells me that his friend is driving him because he didn't have his car. That's all. He gets there 45 minutes late, after we all got our food already. 

I drive him home since his friend had just dropped him off at the restaurant, and during the drive, I'm ticked, so I don't say much after I asked him why he was so late. He said that he and Jody went to go watch a movie, and they thought that it would end around 5:40 since the movie was an hour and 40 minutes long. That, and when Jody had taken him back home, he found out that he was carless, so Jody offered to take him to Taj.

I eventually snap at him after he acts cute and whines, "Pay attention to meeee," telling him that I'm kind of pissed off at him because he never bothered to tell me anything. All he did was ask if he should be leaving to meet up with everyone when it was already six, and he was the only one not already at Taj. The rest of the car ride is silent, and all we said was bye when I dropped him off. No "I love you", no kiss goodnight.

I didn't hear from him until two days later, which is the longest we've gone not talking to each other. He eventually texts me asking if he could see me later to apologize. He meets me in a study room in the library with flowers, a card, and a Kit-Kat bar for if I wanted a break, lol. He tells me that he's sorry because he realized that he should have communicated to me more and that he really does have time management even though all he wanted to do was please everyone. He told me that at first, he was mad at me and then became mad at himself because he realized that he was in the wrong. He told me that he did ask himself if our relationship was worth it, but it was only a passing thought because he knew that he needed me. (The thing is, I'm not sure if I need him.)

I told him that I also questioned our relationship, and he realized that it wasn't just a passing thought for me. A couple days later, he wanted for us to talk about it, but things always came up, so we never did.

But yeah, the whole time we were talking, I could barely speak. I was on the brink of crying the whole time and was whispering because my voice kept on trembling, and I don't know why. I didn't even know what to say other than: every time we fight, it gets worse, and I get madder every time because you keep saying that you'll work on your time management skills, but you don't. I'm not even sure if I was planning on breaking up with him or not at that time.

Stuff like this keeps on happening though. He'll make plans to do something with me and will be super late or just bail last minute, and it pisses me off every time. I know that sometimes it's unavoidable because someone in his family takes his car without telling him, so he can't go anywhere. But a lot of it could have been handled better, and that's what always puts me in a bad mindset and start thinking all over again if this relationship is worth it.

I told Meethu about it when we hungout on Sunday, and she made me read this article that she bookmarked whenever she starts having doubt about her relationship with Luke. Pretty much, it was an advice article about how yeah, a lot of married women think about cheating every once in a while because they're bored with their monotonous lives, but they should be grateful about their boring husbands who still always loves them, because they could have married worse. Their husbands could have been abusive or rapists or have all of these other flaws. So instead, we should be grateful that our boyfriends' flaws are that they have poor planning skills, which yeah, definitely puts things into perspective. 

While I'm glad that I'm not dating an inherently bad person, I still get unhappy at times. I told David this in the beginning when we were first getting to know each other that if I got bored with him, then it wouldn't work out. I figured that that was a no-brainer; if I lose interest, then of course we wouldn't weren't going to last long. 

I didn't know how conflicting being unhappy would make me. I figured that if I was unhappy, then of course we would break up. Things are never that easy though. I'm not always unhappy with him. We have lots of good moments together, a lot more good moments than bad, and that's why I'm so confused about my feelings. 

Is this something that most couples work through together? Is this the rough part of a relationship that you both have to weather through together? Am I settling? Am I going to continue to be unhappy? Am I overthinking? Is this even worth breaking up over? Do I need him? Am I going to find someone better? Am I not giving our relationship enough benefit of a doubt? Am I rushing to conclusions?

I don't know. 

I still don't know. 

I want to talk to him about it, but shit keeps on happening, and there's never time to talk. And I'm not sure if I'll even be able to say what I'm trying to figure out. I'm pretty sure I'll end up barely able to speak and crying again. 

I pretty much ignored all of his texts tonight because I was still kind of ticked that he never bothered to return my calls or text yesterday (petty, I know -__-"), but then I started blogging to try to sort out my feelings, and I knew that I couldn't answer his call or return his text without lashing out at him or saying something that I might regret. 

Ughhhhhhh. I don't know what to say to him tomorrow, especially since we have formal at night. :((( Our timing really sucks, lol.

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