At the beginning of the month, traffic was bad going home on Friday, so Kyle wasn't estimated to come home until 7 due to traffic accidents. Since Shelle and I were going to be home 45 minutes earlier, we went to get our nails done at the same place as last month, and it was just as hilarious, lol. As soon as my nail tech and I locked eyes through the front glass door, we busted out laughing! We ended up getting the same two nail techs as we did last time we were there, and we ended up laughing way too much again. All in all, a good trip, lol.
Since traffic and the weather was pretty bad, we decided to eat dinner at home before going down and visiting the parents. We didn't get home until 11ish, I think, but we were so tired from the day, that we went to bed almost immediately.
The next day, everyone wanted to go watch Deadpool 2, so I went to watch it again so I could spend some time with David before he went to work afterwards. Shelle and Kyle wanted to come, too, but then mom and dad wanted us to do some errands for them, so they couldn't come. I was going to take my mom to the store to get some stuff for dinner, but then they changed their mind and got Shelle and Kyle to take her instead because they forgot that I was going to the movies.
I also found out that we had to go to our little cousin's graduation party the next Sunday. Normally, this wouldn't bother me, but I was planning on taking the following Monday off and going home that weekend so that I could spend more time with David since he doesn't work on Sunday and Monday, but there was no point in taking that Monday off anymore if I was going to be in Atlanta the day before, so I had to drop those plans.
Basically, all of the changes of plans and finding out that David wasn't coming over early before the movie to hangout because he stayed up until 4 that morning and was then waiting on Kim to get ready before coming to pick me up made me slightly upset and cranky. So when he came over 15 minutes before we needed to leave for the movies, I said something and slapped him on the back as part of a joke, and he made this "Oh" noise that he usually sounds like when he's upset, I knew that I had upset him. Usually, when he's upset, I leave him alone until he's ready to talk, so I didn't talk to him at the movies, and he was taking so long walking with Andrew that we didn't even sit next to each other, which also upset me.
I didn't even get a ride home with him. Alec drove me home since I was going to give him Harrison's pillow and alcohol that he left at my house the week before to give to Harrison later that day. We had made plans to go eat at The Rookery and go drink and play at Reboot that night during the Memorial Day party, but I didn't think I was going to make it because of all of the errands my parents needed us to do. Lol, the whole point of the plans was for us to go because neither David nor I had gone to either of those places yet and both of us were busy that day.
We had to go to the farm with dad for a bit to fix his laptop, but it was raining so hard that we stayed for an extra 20 minutes waiting it out and feeding the dogs, which was fun. By the time we got home, it was already nine and we hadn't even eaten dinner yet, so I decided not to go out because I was still a little upset.
I kind of also thought that David wasn't going to go to Reboot after work because I thought he said so while we were planning things after the movie, but he called me while driving there and said that he was going because he already said that he would and that he didn't want to be a flake. This also upset me because I thought maybe we could talk that night since I thought we were both kind of upset with each other. I mean, he tried to ask me what was wrong during that phone call, but I wasn't ready to talk to him yet because I just became even more upset with myself for assuming that we'd have time to talk that night instead of just talking to him, so yeah...
So while I took a shower after dinner feeling sorry for myself, I realized that I hadn't watched the new My Hero Academia episode yet and that I hadn't seen Mikey in weeks since he didn't go to the Memorial Day party. I figured I'd call him and see if he wanted to hang since he also didn't go to Reboot that night, and I figured quality time with his dog, Wally, would also make me feel better.
He hadn't watched the episode yet, so I came over and talked to his mom for a bit before we watched the episode before talking for a couple of hours about what's been going on in our lives. Lol, stuff is always happening to Mikey. I even told him about how I was a little upset with David for what happened that day, so it was nice to vent. Then I went home at three and passed out for a couple hours.
We planned on leaving at 10AM the next day, but we didn't actually leave until 11. But I realized that that was another reason why I was upset with David, because we both knew that we really wouldn't have any time to spend together that weekend except for Saturday morning and afternoon before the movies, and instead he stayed up until 4 playing video games with his friends and didn’t wake up until way later than usual. It couldn’t be helped that Kim wanted to watch the movie, too, even though she usually watches it for free with her friend who works at the movies. It was just bad timing.
But we barely spent any time together the weekend before because of the party and our friends, we barely spent any time together that weekend, I wasn’t planning on going down the next weekend because I already had plans, and now we weren’t going to see each other the following weekend either because of the graduation party. So basically, we knew that this was the only weekend we’d see each other in a while, and we wasted it on miscommunication and assumptions.
And we talked about that the a few days later when I finally could verbalize all that I was feeling. It wasn’t a fun conversation. He said that it seemed like I expected him to drop everything for me whenever I was in town, while I said that our schedules didn’t match up at all anymore except for Sundays. When he’s free, I’m at work, and when I’m free, he’s at work or at school. Which is why I wanted to spend time with him when we had the opportunity, which was just that Saturday afternoon.
I’ve told him many times before whenever I get upset with him that half of the reason why I’m upset is because he doesn’t plan things out well—that his time management is terrible. Now that I’ve talked to Dom and Shelle about it, I think it just boils down to him not prioritizing me enough, and I think that also stems from him taking me for granted.
He’s already admitted to taking me for granted twice now when I was upset with him about the green card marriage thing and not making time for me before I moved, and what sucks is that he knows that I need quality time together to be happy. I’ve told him multiple times that, and it’s obvious because we’ve been together for almost four years now; it’s been proven time and time again that I get grumpy when we don’t get to hangout just the two of us occasionally.
The thing is… I’ve already gotten used to not missing him anymore. Yeah, there are times when I want him because I’m thirsty, but more often than not, I don’t miss him and wish to have him around anymore. Sure, it’d be nice if he was around because it’s usually fun when we’re together, but I’m too busy to miss him. Too busy with work, with errands, with cooking, with reading, etc.
I don’t text him as much anymore because I’m busy at work or because I’m busy doing something else, but I still anticipate his texts when we do start a conversation. I do like hanging out with him, but it also seems like we’re mainly spending the time teasing each other and having sex. We try to video call each other every couple of days, but it seems like we’re too busy to have a long conversation most of the time. There’s all these pros and cons to our relationship recently.
Here’s the thing: this is our third time doing long distance. I feel like the first two times weren’t as bad as this time. I even distinctly remember having the same “not missing him” feelings during my last internship, but I don’t remember feeling this conflicted and upset as I am now. And it’s only been seven weeks so far! The last two times we did long distance, it was for around three months and we were okay! And my current internship is for a whole year.
I’m just not sure if this is a good time for us to be together. It seems like we’re too busy, and while I’m trying to prioritize time for us, he doesn’t seem to be trying as hard.
I get that we’re at that weird transition period of our lives as young adults, which does affect things differently. I’m working full time while he’s still in school and working part time. We’re doing long distance and live with our families on top of everything as well, so it’s hard to have alone time as it is.
I’ve never really seen the point of taking a break in a relationship, so I don’t really see myself asking to have one either. So the only options left is to see if we can work through this or break up, and right now, I’m really torn on which option to take.
I guess the mature option right now would be to talk to him about all of this, so I’ll let you know how that goes, lol.
Update: It goes just as well as anyone would expect. Difficult.
We spent the first half hour arguing and doubting if we should even continue our relationship because we don’t know what we want and don’t know if long distance is going to work. Then we started talking and explaining our reasoning, and it boiled down to a couple of points.
My main takeaway was when I realized that the past few times that I was upset with him was not about him. I was taking out my frustration about different things happening to me and thinking that the problem was our relationship, so I would get upset with him over stuff. I’ve been discontent with my lack of motivation to workout and new, later eating and sleeping times, and instead of figuring out a solution, I would get upset with him because I thought that he wasn’t prioritizing our time together even before I moved. He realized my whole problem way before me, which is unfair for him since I’ve been taking my frustrations out on him for the past two months.
The other main point we needed to figure out is what we want out of our relationship and out of each other. What do we want? What will make us happier in the long run?
David had already talked to Mikey about our problem before, and Mikey said that even though we’ve been together for so long, our relationship hasn’t matured, and the long distance is making it clear that we haven’t learned to communicate. That and because David’s my first and only boyfriend, and I’m his longest relationship, makes it hard for us to communicate and understand what we want because we don’t have any previous relationships to compare our relationship to.
I think he’s right. I don’t know what I want, and now I’m not sure if I was even mentally ready to be in a relationship to begin with. I’m just so doubtful about our relationship whenever we hit any type of snag in the road, and that doesn’t sound like a positive mindset to have while dating someone.
I feel like if we can get over this hurdle, we’ll be stronger as a couple in the long run. I think if we broke up now, it would mean that we couldn’t or didn’t want to try to fix the problem—that we’d just be running away. So I feel like we should try to work on our relationship, but I don’t know if that’s just me being stubborn and not wanting to give up because I’ve already spent almost four years with him. Sometimes it’s better to just call it quits when you know that things are toxic, but I don’t think our relationship is toxic, and I’m not sure if it’s positive either?
I need to figure out if we’re better off alone or if we can be stronger together. I need to figure out what I want. I need to figure out a lot of things.
I also found out that we had to go to our little cousin's graduation party the next Sunday. Normally, this wouldn't bother me, but I was planning on taking the following Monday off and going home that weekend so that I could spend more time with David since he doesn't work on Sunday and Monday, but there was no point in taking that Monday off anymore if I was going to be in Atlanta the day before, so I had to drop those plans.
Basically, all of the changes of plans and finding out that David wasn't coming over early before the movie to hangout because he stayed up until 4 that morning and was then waiting on Kim to get ready before coming to pick me up made me slightly upset and cranky. So when he came over 15 minutes before we needed to leave for the movies, I said something and slapped him on the back as part of a joke, and he made this "Oh" noise that he usually sounds like when he's upset, I knew that I had upset him. Usually, when he's upset, I leave him alone until he's ready to talk, so I didn't talk to him at the movies, and he was taking so long walking with Andrew that we didn't even sit next to each other, which also upset me.
I didn't even get a ride home with him. Alec drove me home since I was going to give him Harrison's pillow and alcohol that he left at my house the week before to give to Harrison later that day. We had made plans to go eat at The Rookery and go drink and play at Reboot that night during the Memorial Day party, but I didn't think I was going to make it because of all of the errands my parents needed us to do. Lol, the whole point of the plans was for us to go because neither David nor I had gone to either of those places yet and both of us were busy that day.
We had to go to the farm with dad for a bit to fix his laptop, but it was raining so hard that we stayed for an extra 20 minutes waiting it out and feeding the dogs, which was fun. By the time we got home, it was already nine and we hadn't even eaten dinner yet, so I decided not to go out because I was still a little upset.
I kind of also thought that David wasn't going to go to Reboot after work because I thought he said so while we were planning things after the movie, but he called me while driving there and said that he was going because he already said that he would and that he didn't want to be a flake. This also upset me because I thought maybe we could talk that night since I thought we were both kind of upset with each other. I mean, he tried to ask me what was wrong during that phone call, but I wasn't ready to talk to him yet because I just became even more upset with myself for assuming that we'd have time to talk that night instead of just talking to him, so yeah...
So while I took a shower after dinner feeling sorry for myself, I realized that I hadn't watched the new My Hero Academia episode yet and that I hadn't seen Mikey in weeks since he didn't go to the Memorial Day party. I figured I'd call him and see if he wanted to hang since he also didn't go to Reboot that night, and I figured quality time with his dog, Wally, would also make me feel better.
He hadn't watched the episode yet, so I came over and talked to his mom for a bit before we watched the episode before talking for a couple of hours about what's been going on in our lives. Lol, stuff is always happening to Mikey. I even told him about how I was a little upset with David for what happened that day, so it was nice to vent. Then I went home at three and passed out for a couple hours.
We planned on leaving at 10AM the next day, but we didn't actually leave until 11. But I realized that that was another reason why I was upset with David, because we both knew that we really wouldn't have any time to spend together that weekend except for Saturday morning and afternoon before the movies, and instead he stayed up until 4 playing video games with his friends and didn’t wake up until way later than usual. It couldn’t be helped that Kim wanted to watch the movie, too, even though she usually watches it for free with her friend who works at the movies. It was just bad timing.
But we barely spent any time together the weekend before because of the party and our friends, we barely spent any time together that weekend, I wasn’t planning on going down the next weekend because I already had plans, and now we weren’t going to see each other the following weekend either because of the graduation party. So basically, we knew that this was the only weekend we’d see each other in a while, and we wasted it on miscommunication and assumptions.
And we talked about that the a few days later when I finally could verbalize all that I was feeling. It wasn’t a fun conversation. He said that it seemed like I expected him to drop everything for me whenever I was in town, while I said that our schedules didn’t match up at all anymore except for Sundays. When he’s free, I’m at work, and when I’m free, he’s at work or at school. Which is why I wanted to spend time with him when we had the opportunity, which was just that Saturday afternoon.
I’ve told him many times before whenever I get upset with him that half of the reason why I’m upset is because he doesn’t plan things out well—that his time management is terrible. Now that I’ve talked to Dom and Shelle about it, I think it just boils down to him not prioritizing me enough, and I think that also stems from him taking me for granted.
He’s already admitted to taking me for granted twice now when I was upset with him about the green card marriage thing and not making time for me before I moved, and what sucks is that he knows that I need quality time together to be happy. I’ve told him multiple times that, and it’s obvious because we’ve been together for almost four years now; it’s been proven time and time again that I get grumpy when we don’t get to hangout just the two of us occasionally.
The thing is… I’ve already gotten used to not missing him anymore. Yeah, there are times when I want him because I’m thirsty, but more often than not, I don’t miss him and wish to have him around anymore. Sure, it’d be nice if he was around because it’s usually fun when we’re together, but I’m too busy to miss him. Too busy with work, with errands, with cooking, with reading, etc.
I don’t text him as much anymore because I’m busy at work or because I’m busy doing something else, but I still anticipate his texts when we do start a conversation. I do like hanging out with him, but it also seems like we’re mainly spending the time teasing each other and having sex. We try to video call each other every couple of days, but it seems like we’re too busy to have a long conversation most of the time. There’s all these pros and cons to our relationship recently.
Here’s the thing: this is our third time doing long distance. I feel like the first two times weren’t as bad as this time. I even distinctly remember having the same “not missing him” feelings during my last internship, but I don’t remember feeling this conflicted and upset as I am now. And it’s only been seven weeks so far! The last two times we did long distance, it was for around three months and we were okay! And my current internship is for a whole year.
I’m just not sure if this is a good time for us to be together. It seems like we’re too busy, and while I’m trying to prioritize time for us, he doesn’t seem to be trying as hard.
I get that we’re at that weird transition period of our lives as young adults, which does affect things differently. I’m working full time while he’s still in school and working part time. We’re doing long distance and live with our families on top of everything as well, so it’s hard to have alone time as it is.
I’ve never really seen the point of taking a break in a relationship, so I don’t really see myself asking to have one either. So the only options left is to see if we can work through this or break up, and right now, I’m really torn on which option to take.
I guess the mature option right now would be to talk to him about all of this, so I’ll let you know how that goes, lol.
Update: It goes just as well as anyone would expect. Difficult.
We spent the first half hour arguing and doubting if we should even continue our relationship because we don’t know what we want and don’t know if long distance is going to work. Then we started talking and explaining our reasoning, and it boiled down to a couple of points.
My main takeaway was when I realized that the past few times that I was upset with him was not about him. I was taking out my frustration about different things happening to me and thinking that the problem was our relationship, so I would get upset with him over stuff. I’ve been discontent with my lack of motivation to workout and new, later eating and sleeping times, and instead of figuring out a solution, I would get upset with him because I thought that he wasn’t prioritizing our time together even before I moved. He realized my whole problem way before me, which is unfair for him since I’ve been taking my frustrations out on him for the past two months.
The other main point we needed to figure out is what we want out of our relationship and out of each other. What do we want? What will make us happier in the long run?
David had already talked to Mikey about our problem before, and Mikey said that even though we’ve been together for so long, our relationship hasn’t matured, and the long distance is making it clear that we haven’t learned to communicate. That and because David’s my first and only boyfriend, and I’m his longest relationship, makes it hard for us to communicate and understand what we want because we don’t have any previous relationships to compare our relationship to.
I think he’s right. I don’t know what I want, and now I’m not sure if I was even mentally ready to be in a relationship to begin with. I’m just so doubtful about our relationship whenever we hit any type of snag in the road, and that doesn’t sound like a positive mindset to have while dating someone.
I feel like if we can get over this hurdle, we’ll be stronger as a couple in the long run. I think if we broke up now, it would mean that we couldn’t or didn’t want to try to fix the problem—that we’d just be running away. So I feel like we should try to work on our relationship, but I don’t know if that’s just me being stubborn and not wanting to give up because I’ve already spent almost four years with him. Sometimes it’s better to just call it quits when you know that things are toxic, but I don’t think our relationship is toxic, and I’m not sure if it’s positive either?
I need to figure out if we’re better off alone or if we can be stronger together. I need to figure out what I want. I need to figure out a lot of things.
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